Into Your Hideaway by thepinupchemist

там такое начало, что кажется нечего ожидать, а потом как бы вдруг по чуть чуть настоящий Дин
и Кас и все оказывается очень здорово

It occurs to Dean that his dad doesn’t have anybody. He lost their mom, and with that, John lost
himself. He turned to drink to keep him warm and forgot his sons in the process, and now he
wants forgiveness without bothering to make a single goddamn change in himself.
The look on his dad’s face can only be described as pleading. Like he’s begging to stick around
just so that he can still use his older son as a punching bag.
But it’s not gonna fly. Not anymore.
Life isn’t always good, but there are good things in it, and that makes all the difference.
Cas is right. There are good things, and Dean should worry about keeping the good things good
and not trying to fix a person that is always going to be broken. John isn’t going anywhere, isn’t
getting any better, isn’t trying to do better by Dean or by Sam. He’s a man out for himself, and
Dean can’t believe that it’s taken this fucking long to figure that crap out.
Thing is, he always wanted to

and I spent every day so – so sad, so miserable,” he pauses, exhales, and brings
Dean in closer to him, rubbing his hand over Dean’s back in a way that makes Dean think that this
is less for his own benefit and more for Cas’ alpha needs.
He noses at Dean’s forehead and pecks a kiss to it before he goes on, “I thought a lot about death.
It wasn’t – active. I didn’t plan out my death or intend to execute it. But I kept thinking, would it
really be that bad if I swerved by car off of the road and hit a tree? If I drank enough to poison my
body? I wondered if my family would care and I decided that they probably wouldn’t. I decided
that if I died, I would be okay with that.”
“Cas –”
But Cas hushes Dean and says, “You changed that. It’s not that you made me believe that life is
worth living – I’m still not convinced of that – but you did show me that there are people in this
world that still need my help, and that I have a purpose on this earth. You showed me that there
are people that I love and people that love me. And maybe that doesn’t make life worth living, but
it means something. Life isn’t always good but it – but it –” Cas’ voice cracks and Dean looks up
in alarm as his alpha presses his fingers into his eyes, tears squeezing out and rolling over his
cheeks, “but there are good things in it, good things like you and Mary, and that makes all the
A wide, gaping hole opens in Dean’s chest at the thought of his mate just sitting around waiting to
die. And son of a bitch, this is what Cas must feel like every time that Dean says that he’s not
good enough, isn’t it? There’s just this – this fucking chasm inside of him, echoing and empty at
the thought of Cas being gone.
“So…you may not think much of yourself,” Cas concludes, “but you should know you are
enough to make a difference to me.”
And Jesus, Dean isn’t good with words. He wants to tell Cas yeah, life is sometimes shitty.
Sometimes it tortures you with nightmares of what you’ve been through. Sometimes you’re scared
and you hurt, but that’s not all that there is. He didn’t know. He didn’t know that, and he has
trouble remembering it even though he’s just learned. He wants to tell Cas that he’s sorry that he
has trouble remembering that things can be good, and that he’ll try to do better.
Maybe he won’t succeed, but Dean will give it his all. He’s never been one for doing things
halfway, anyway.
Dean doesn’t say these things. Instead, he pushes his lips to Castiel’s and tries to say them that
He hopes Cas gets the message.